A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.  However the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.  After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boys position.  He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.  Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run like hell!"

An old couple  go to the doctor.  The old man goes first to have his physical.  When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in.  The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with the examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first."  The old woman says, "Oh no, it's his heart.  I told him to lay off the eggs."  The doctor says, "No, physically he is OK, but I'm worried about him mentally."  The old woman questions, "Whatever do you mean?"  The doctor says, "Well I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great.  He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him.  When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him."

The old woman responded, "Son of a gun, he's peeing in the fridge again!"

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem.  So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair.  He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?" There was no response.  He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?"  Still no response.  Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"  She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"